LEPER MESSIAH SPEAKS

Does this sound familiar? Someone you know is trying to lose weight, always mentions some diet they're on, and exercises four or five times a week. Yet, they never lose any weight.

The basic assumption is that these people are lying about the frequency of their exercise. They definitely must not be hitting the gym that often.

Well, surprisingly, they do. I work out (lifting weights) at the company gym during lunch time 3 times a week. And there are a few regulars that I see their every time I'm in the gym. They're on the treadmill, stairclimber, or stationary bike for at 30 minutes, and probably closer to 45 minutes.

So what gives?

THEY ARE RUNNING TO SLOW!!! I run on the treadmill for 5 minutes before I lift weights just to get my body warmed up. So I personally know that the highest setting is 10.0 which equates to running a six minute mile. I also know that 4.5 equates to a fast walk. Not an olympic-speed walk, but a fast walk. As in the pace that you would walk through my neighborhood, the San Francisco Tenderloin. (Unless, of course, you were planning to meet with local crack dealer).

Now I see plenty of these wanting-to-lose-weight exercises get on the treadmill and run at the 4.5-6.0 setting. Now a 6.0 setting would equate to a ten-minute mile. When I was in grade school, only the fat kids who dyed their hair black and listened to goth could not run a ten-minute mile.

But this one takes the cake. This athletic feat witnessed a few weeks ago inspired this blog. A lady with much to lose, is on a treadmill. And of course, she just has to show off those love-handles, because she's wearing only a sports bra and short spandex shorts. Apparently, the gym does not have any rules on indecent exposure. A quick glance reveals she is not going very fast, definitely not at the speed walk pace. So of course, I had to find out what exact speed she was going at. IT'S SET AT 2.5!!! I'm pretty sure at this speed I could tie my shoelace, and still have enough time to take a step to avoid falling off of the treadmill. And better yet, at this brisk pace she is successfully holding a book with her two hands and reading. READING!!! I'm not going to outline the factors that go into intense exercise, but I'm pretty sure intense exercise precludes the ability to do such multi-tasking activities such as reading Sue Grafton's "F is for Fat-Ass". I'm pretty sure Carl Lewis wasn't do his taxes and Kobe Bryant wasn't reading his sexual assult charges while doing windsprints.

So please... run faster.