LEPER MESSIAH SPEAKS

"For example, you're a 6. So that means, you can go as low as a 4, or as high as an 8. Now, me, I'm a 9. So I could go as low as a 7, or hypothetically, go as high as an 11. Or… I could get a 5 and a 4". – Joey Tribbiani to his cousin Michael Tribbiani

The above quote, not exactly verbatim, came from the sitcom “Joey”, the spin-off of “Friends”, and probably sums up one of the best uses of the scale. Joey also referenced a 1-10 scale, although I can’t say whether his was a bell curve like ours. But his method, was identify what you are on the scale, and then you can go –2 or +2.

And boy does this make sense. Have you ever been to a club with someone, and you point out a couple of average to attractive looking chicks - only to hear that person say, “oh, she’s kinda thick” or “she’s not that hot”. And then in your confusion, you look back at the guy, and you’re like, dude, you’re not exactly Brad Pitt… actually you’re not even really Bud Bundy… in fact, you’re more like Screech from Saved by the Bell.

The point being, you got to have realistic expectations, Broseph. If you’re 5, your starting point should be chicks who are 5s. Now, of course, you can and should strive to do better. But, that’s only going to happen if you’re actually a cool person. As in, throw in a +2 for the personality factor, and now you’re a 7 on the overall scale, and you now have the potential to bag hot chicks.

Here’s living proof. Let’s take Donald Trump. He’s probably anywhere between a 5-7 depending on how you rate his toupee. So, for discussion sake, let’s call him a 6. But he’s a cool guy. (Yes, arrogant and cocky fu*kers get more respect from us than nice wussy teabags). So bump him up +2 and he’s now an 8 on the adjusted scale. Now you see why he’s getting hot chicks. [More on this later, for those of you who are just saying it’s because he’s rich].

So Screech, work on lowering your voice a couple octaves, and soon you’ll be getting a few attractive chicks. Until then, just be happy with the 4’s and 5’s of the world.

"It's what's inside that counts"

"Personality is a lot more important than looks"

For anyone who has ever had a discussion on dating, these two cliches have probably been offered up the most by people.

And these are both very sound pieces of advice... FOR ME TO POOP ON! Now wait girls, don't slap me quite yet - its because that's never the choice. It is never an issue of looks or personality. The choice is always between one combination of the two versus another combination of the two.

With that, I introduce the adjusted scale or overall scale. WARNING: The application of the overall scale is to determine who you might consider a friend, or who might consider dating, rather than who you would get hot and heavy with. After all life isn't just about fucking and balls and pussy... Its not about cock and ass and tits and butthole pleasures.. There's more to life than just the Rusty Trombone, Dirty Sanchez or the Cincinatti Bowtie...Its not about pussy juice cocktails and shit-stained balls...I'm sorry, I should let the virgin get back to work.

Here it is: simply take the score on the scale which only factors in looks and then adjust the score up to +2 for great personalities, or down -3 for wretched personalities. (At this time our engineers are still examining whether the downward revision may actually be as high as -4). Now the overall scale still remains 1-10, which means a 9 who is fu*kin cool, can only get bumped up +1 to 10. This is to a) preseve the notion of the term "perfect 10" and b) "perfect 11" just sounds retarded.

Now let's get some examples of adjustments:
0 - Neutral. Your comment about this person is that he / she is a nice person.
+2 - Great social skills, charismatic, interesting, exceptionally witty, lots of class, makes other cool people around him/her happier and more entertained.
-3 - a complete douchebag. Everything that comes out his / her mouth is lame as in either stupid, boring, irrelevant. Makes cool people feel ackward, bored out of their fu*kin mind. Is a real buzzkill.

Now let's provide some examples of how to apply this in real life:
1) If you have two equally attractive chicks, then of course you choose the one with the better personality. So no applicability here.
2) Attractive girl with a cool personality vs pretty hot girl with a bad personality. In scale terms: 6 + 1 vs 7 - 2. Two conclusions: you would date the 6 and not the 7. However, using the Anh rule, you would still attempt to bed the 7.
3) Attractive girl with a cool personality vs pretty hot girl with average personality. Scale terms: 6 + 1 vs 7 + 0. Pretty tough. Both are dateable, with the 7 having more potential. The six is the slightly safer choice.
4) Average looking girl with great personality vs pretty hot girl with bad personality. Scale terms: 5 + 2 vs 7 - 2. Depending on where you are on the scale, the 5 may be dateable. No matter where you are on the scale, she is friend material. You will not date or befriend the 7, however, (applying the Anh rule again) you would still attempt to bed her.

Note: It is scenario #2 which probably leads the cliches stated at the top of this post. I'm going to label this the Saving Silverman scenario, which I don't think is a very commonplace scenario, and may discuss it in another post.

As previous posted, I talked about The Scale. Now one day, I was describing some chick as pretty hot, to Craig. At which point he strongly disagreed. To be more specific, I then labeled her as a 6-7. He responded to that by labeling her a 4. At that point, I then had to interject and say that his rating was just ridiculous. This chick definitely above average, and there was no way she could be labeled below average.

He agreed that she was probably above average, but then claimed that the average person was a 2! (Still using a 1-10 scale) An incredible assertation! That seemed to defy the laws of mathematics and science behind the concept of average. Besides not making mathematical sense, other problems are if average was a 2, then below average would have to be 1, and now you've run out of space for ugly. As in, where do we place yo mama?

Despite this seemingly useless assingment of 2 as average...it was right! For instance, I take the 38 bus (Geary) line home everyday. And I have to say - I never see any hot chicks, and hardly ever see any attractive chicks. For the most part, the bus is always filled just with hurtin' people. I took BART to a Warriors game once - I looked around - everyone was hurtin'.

It looked like the scale was going to have to be modified in a big way. But luckily, Craig was able to reconcile my scale against his. Basically, a caveat had to be added stating that the universe of people was being restricted to the population of 18-35 year olds you go to bars or clubs at least once a month. Of course! This entire time, Anh and I had automatically been filtering out the majority of the population. After all, there is no need to compare the cute chick standing in line at Dulce to 2.5.

So with that the scale lives on. To recap:
- Scale is 1-10, with 5 being average, and 10 being theoretical.
- It is a normal distribution curve, with the most people being a 5.
- The universe is limited to people who go out to bars and clubs at least once a month. And that excludes biker bars, and bars frequented by legitimate alchoholics.
- The previous claus the makes a 1 a theoretical level as well. As in, if you saw someone that you were labeling a 1, that person probably does not fit the universe limitations / restrictions of the scale.
- You must adjust your scale when overruled by a majority of guys with good taste. For instance, if I had Jennifer Anniston as a 6, but every guy I talked to had her at a 7 or 8, I would have to then bump her up.

Part 3 (yes, this is quite an extensive subject), will talk about how to factor in personality.
-

In a previous post I described a girl as a 4.5-5.0 on a 1-10 rating scale. [Note: not actually showing yet, still in editing mode] Now the scale is needed just for general conversational purposes. For instance, when I’m talking to my best friend, Anh, and he tells me he hooked up with a hot chick the other night, I want to make sure that we’re on the same page here, so I know exactly how excited to be for him. And nothing’s worse than someone saying that they’re going to introduce you to their “cute” friend, who just ends up being below average. For whatever reason, it seems that people (girls more so) have a hard time just saying their female friends are just average or below-average looking.

Now many approaches to scales exist. For instance, if you go to www.hotornot.com, it seems that they use some type of linear scale. Anh and I didn’t like that, because we felt that in no way there are as many 10s as 5s. So we applied the standard normal distribution curve – or bell curve.

This made lots of sense, as we felt the average person should be given the middle number of 5. The next step up, 6, should then represent attractive, and double-checking, yes, there are substantially less attractive people than average looking people. The next step, 7, would be pretty hot / hot – again, substantially fewer in number than 6s. 8 would be hot / smoking hot and 9 would be smoking hot. The last subject of debate was 10. After some discussion we agreed that 10 would just be a theoretical level. As in whatever the perfect girl would look like, that’s a 10. Someone like a Helen of Troy – men would fight wars over her. [Note: we feel that the actress who played Helen in the most recent Troy movie, although hot (an 8) was not a good enough representative of Helen – quite disappointing].

Here are some real life examples, using celebrities:
5 – Kersten Dunst
6 – Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore,
7 – Elisha Cuthbert, Jennifer Love Hewitt
8 – Angelina Jolie, Uma Thurman, Heather Graham, Shannon Elizabeth
9 – Jessica Alba, Anna Kournikova, Elizabeth Hurley
10 – Charlize Theron

Now before anyone starts disagreeing with the scoring of the above celebreties, keep in mind that you must try to score closer to what the general consensus of guys (with good taste) would be rather than your own opinion. For instance, I know that you think Rosie O’Donnel belongs among the 8s, but since no one else does, just remain silent and keep your big chick fantasy to yourself.

As mentioned above, the scale rests on the principal of the bell curve. Hence there is a huge difference between a 5 or 6, but the difference between an 8 or 9 is very small. So small such that you can’t really see whether Angelina Jolie is an 8 or a 9. And in terms of applicability to everyday life, anytime you get a 7 or above, you’re happy. As Anh says, you bed a 7 no matter what (you can disregard personality and even previous criminal record).

That’s it for now - for the sake of keeping this blog to reasonable level, it will be continued with part II, in which the validity of the scale was challenged by Craig, and other caveats were thrown in.

You know how when you hear a song for the first time in a while and all of sudden you remember how fu*king cool that song was? Now when I mean cool, I mean gets the testosterone flowing cool, rather than a “my Ectasy just wore off, aren’t those dandelions” cool. When I say gets your testosterone flowing, I mean in a normal get’s you up in your seat way, rather than a "let’s put on some camouflage and go play paintball" way.

But today’s list is going to even more specific than that – I’m going to list the top “coolest parts of songs.” I'm more of an instrumental guy rather than lyrics guy, so that's all you're going to see.

In no particular order:
- Intro, Crazy Train, Ozzy Ozzbourne
- Riff + Solo, middle part of Four Horseman, Metallica
- Main riff, Leper Messiah, Metallica
- Intro, Welcome to the Jungle, Guns N’ Roses
- Intro, Sweet Dreams, Marilyn Manson
- First solo, Master of Puppets, Metallica
- Intro, Hells Bells, ACDC
- Drum beat, post chorus, Unforgiven II, Metallica
- Main Riff, Back in Black, ACDC
- Main Riff, The Game, Motorhead

So this blog comes upon special request from my buddy Tony. And again, it has to deal with the gym. However, today’s installment moves us to inside the men’s locker room. Now the locker room is decent for a corporate gym. Decent sized lockers, four individual shower stalls, and towel service.

Lastly, there is a a scale – the old school one that you see at the doctor’s office. Which brings us to today’s subject. Is there anything more annoying than the fat guy who has to weigh himself naked? Now in no way am I uncomfortable in male locker rooms. I’ve had to use open / group shower facilities before (no individual stalls), and after my shower I do take off my towel before putting on my boxers (rather than trying to slide them on underneath my towel), briefly exposing me.

So its not actually the nudity that is annoying, but rather the thought process behind the situation. If some dude decides to walk up to the scale naked and he’s thinking “Yeah, I’m ripped and I got a big schlong, and I just want to make the rest of you jerk-offs feel like less of a man” I can respect that. No complaints here. Congratulations on your six-pack and big dick, by the way.

But when the guy is fat and he’s weighing himself naked, we all know why. He’s trying to convince himself that he’s been keeping weight down. As in, hooray for me, I’m only 221 pounds today. As if that matters. Let me tell you something: no one was calling you fat because you were 222 pounds instead of 221 pounds. They were calling you fat because you have a tub of lard hanging over your waist and your shriveled up penis. Other clues were the flabby arms and the lack of a visible neck. But it had nothing to do with the presence of one or two extra pounds. You didn’t go from skinny to fat in one day and one extra pound. It took years sitting on your couch and stuffing your face with Doritos and Miller High Life and about 30 extra pounds. Clearly you cannot reverse such a lenghty process by simply removing your towel when weighing yourself.

So do the rest of us a favor – keep your towel on. We don’t want to see your fat ass and shriveled up dick just so that you convince yourself that you kept the weight off this week. If you really do lose all that fat one day, you won’t need a scale to tell you. And at that point if you want to walk up to the scale naked, just to show off, I’ll even hold your towel for you.

So this weekend, I finally watched the movie "Get Shorty" and its sequel "Be Cool". For those who only watched Be Cool, I do think you get a lot more out of the movie if you watched Get Shorty as well. Hands down Get Shorty was a better movie, although Be Cool was slightly funnier. And hands down, Chili Palmer (John Travolta) was one cool cat through out both movies, and probably one of the coolest characters in recent movie history. He's always in control of the situation, can't be set-up, is super efficient with everything he says, and of course, gets hot chicks.

Now that's not to say you have to act like Chili Palmer in order to be cool. Here's a list of other cool cats in recent movie history.

- Ron Burgundy, "Anchorman" - he has many leather bound books, his apartment smells like rich mahogany, and he's friends with Merlin Olsen. Need I say more?
- Steve Stifler, "American Pie II & American Wedding" - rocks out with his cock out, hangs out with his wang out and gets two chicks at the end of American Pie II.
- Michael Corleone, "Godfather", unlike his older brother Sonny, Michael was also calm and in control.
- Neil McCauley, "Heat", even smarter than Chili Palmer, and says "Look at me" even more forefully.
- Austin Powers, "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery", despite his inability to control his inner monologue due to the unfreezing process, he was still able to shag Vanessa as well as the Italian bird.
- Sam (Robert De Niro), "Ronin", just as smart as Neil McCauley, and doesn't die.
- Thomas Crown, "The Thomas Crown Affair", hey, he made art cool.
- Sean Archer/Caster Troy (John Travolta), Face Off - notice how John Travolta basically is a badass.
- Trent Walker, "Swingers" - Hey, if we all had a Trent Walker in our crew, we'd all be big winners.
- Blake (Alec Baldwin), "Glengarry Glen Ross" - Gives the biggest ass-chewing in the history of movies. And then pulls out the brass balls.

Others that would have made the list if not for...
- TJ Mackey, "Magnolia", the problem being is when you think of TJ Mackey, you have to think of his actor, Tom Cruise, who has become one of the uncoolest people on the planet.
- Rusty Griswold, "Vegas Vacation" - actually Rusty (the son) wasn't cool, but then transformed into Mr. Papagiorgio, who definitely was. He even had an entourage! But then New York Mike pointed out that he was played by Ethan Embry, and I had no choice but to take him off the list.

Boy it definitely must be the new year, because the gym was packed when I went. Yep, it must be New Year’s Resolution time again, or maybe better framed “Make a list of shit that you’re never going to do”. Oh well, these extras should be gone by the third week of January.

However…that does not preclude me from commenting on them while they are there. One of the guys there today has about 20 pounds to lose. Not a big deal, but here’s the catch. He ends up doing at least 10-15 minutes of situps / crunches. This ends up being one of the most ridiculous sights at the gym. Why do fat people do situps? Doing situps is not going to get rid of the volimous flab that has made your midsection its home and mansion. Or to re-phrase – have you ever seen someone with fat arms, a double or triple chin, cankles, and a SIX-PACK??!! You have a better chance of seeing a midget with a ten-inch dick.

Let me break it down to you… You CANNOT spot-reduce. As in lose fat in one spot and no where else. Those situps that you’re doing? Yes, they probably are building up your ab muscles. And you know what? WHO CARES?!! So now you’ve got strong abs covered up with 10 pounds of fat. Hooray for you, you can do 100 situps without stopping. And you what people are thinking when you tell them that? “Yeah, but you’re still fat.” It’s like never learning any speaking skills so that no matter how smart you are on the inside, people still think “but you sound retarded.”

SO STOP DOING SIT-UPS. Trust me, I have a better chance of stretching my dick out to 10 inches than you have getting a six-pack by just doing sit-ups. Use that 15 minutes you were wasting on sit-ups and run 2 extra miles. You’ll thank me later.

Well, now that I'm back to blogging, its time to catch up with some of the posts that should have been written / completed weeks ago. Just a couple of days before Christmas I sold the only car I have ever owned. It was a 1992 Nissan 300ZX, 2+2 with T-Tops. As a reference, I bought it second hand in 1998. The catalyst for me selling the Red Dragon was the fact that, well, simply stated, it was a piece of shit that kept breaking. DAMN YOU RED DRAGON!!!



Anyways, to give it its proper eulogy, here are some of the more memorable comments by my friends and just random people over the years:

"Dude, I know exactly when you're back everyday because I can hear your car scrape the driveway" - old roommate Mike
"Glad to hear the Red Dragon wasn´t impounded by the hardcore FBI security patrol at xxxxx (company where I work). I guess we´ll be seing the reborn dragon on the pages of Car & Driver soon." - co-worker Tony after hearing about the enthusiastic new owner who promises to bring back the Red Dragon.
"Well that's only because you bought it so used. - Ray after hearing about the Red Dragon's multiple problems
"Now are you going to pick her up in the Red Dragon?" - Cheryl wondering if the Red Dragon was still suitable for use on dates.
"Definitely.. and it could also kill you" - Mechanic responding to whether the Red Dragon's leaky fuel injectors were worsening the gas mileage.
"What a sad day! Any time I ride in a car that smells like carbon monoxide or gasoline, I will think fondly of the Red Dragon." - Old roommate Chris who had once ridden in the Red Dragon while it was spewing flames.
"I'm guessing that baby's not exactly street legal anymore." - Frank the Tank, after taking off the Red Dragon's restrictor plate.
"T-Tops huh? All you need is some 80's rock now" - Craig after seeing the Red Dragon roll in topless.
"Did you know that the heater-core is going out cause the leaks on the driver side" -the new owner via e-mail, after exactly 11 days of owning the car.

Well, with the a brand new year, brings in another full year of good partying and socializing. Of course, its always good to review our social etiquette once a year. so with that I've listed a few Man Codes for Social Settings.

- If someone is throwing a party and tells you to bring a chick, either bring a chick or don’t go to the party.
- If you really don’t know any girls: If someone is throwing a party and tells to you bring a chick, either bring a hooker or don’t go to the party.
- If you’re the jackass who requested the DJ to play “Celebration” or “YMCA”, your mother just called to remind you of your curfew.
- Never drink a cocktail using the straw. Don’t worry, the dishwasher will get rid of the lipstick mark that you just left on the glass.
- Never order a lemon drop. I know hearing Prince’s “Diamond and Pearls” put you in that tart mood, but just don’t do it.
- If both you and your buddy are struggling with the two chicks you just met – try the old switcheroo before outright giving up.
- It is definitely okay to be highly selective when first entering a club. But for every half hour you’ve been in the club without talking to a chick, you must lower your standards one notch on the 1-10 scale.
- If using the above rule has landed you a slump-buster three weekends in a row, they’re not slump-busters, that’s just your level.
- If you see your buddy talking to two chicks, unless your buddy has previously expressed (through actions or words) the desire to be left alone, you must wingman within 20 seconds.
- Do not confuse the term wingman with the terms bomberman / grenade diffuser. A wingman talks to the friend of the chick that his buddy is talking to. A bomberman / grenade diffuser talks to the friend of the chick that his buddy is talking to with the added stipulation that on a 1-10 scale, either a) the girl is 3 points below him, or b) the girl is below a 4 on a 1-10 scale, whichever is lower. Therefore, if you (the potential wingman / bomberman) is a 3 on a 1-10 scale, it is not scientifically possible for you to be a bomberman.

Well with 2006 now here, I decided to list some of the best things in 2005.

Movies:
1. The 40-year-old virgin. I just want to touch something smooth right now, like a bag of sand.
2. Wedding Crashers. But damn, we lost a lot of good men in that movie.

Concerts:
1. Audioslave (at the Bill Graham Center). They played old Temple of the Dog, Soundgarden, and Rage against the Machine songs. "Killing in the Name of" - friggin awesome.
2. Velvet Revolver (at the Bill Graham Center). They only had one album, but they also threw in a couple Stone Templet Pilots songs and Guns N' Roses song. Slash rules!
3. Rolling Stones / Metallica. Ok, having to see Metallica perform in front of half-empty crowd was sad. The Stones put on a good show, and it was just straight comedy everytime the camera was zoomed in on Keith Richards, who was just smoking a cigarrette while the rest of his bad members are busting their asses.

Sporting Events:
1. Being at the Cal-Stanford Big Game, and the crowd chanting U-C-Davis, everytime their defense got backed up into our endzone. For those that didn't know, Stanford lost to I-AA UC Davis.
2. The NHL strike. In fact, I think all strikes are fun. That's when you get to really see who really has no life without sports.

TV Shows:
1. The Mind of Mencia. Dee dee dee!

Internet Porn Site:
1. The one with your mom getting fucked by a horse. Ok, that was inappropriate. I'm sorry. Yo Mama.

Best nickname:
1. Our buddy Gary Lee who's first name initial + last name of G. Lee has now became Gigli. Don't worry, Gigli, you and Ben Affleck will rise to stardom again one day.

Best stunt:
1. 107.7 The Bone's Lamont and Tonelli making Sully pee on an electic fence.
2. 107.7 The Bone's Lamong and Tonelli giving Sully a forklift wedgie.

Best line:
"Adam Corolla - stick to the radio. You look like Pete Sampras... with down syndrome" - some comedian on the Pam Anderson roast

Does this sound familiar? Someone you know is trying to lose weight, always mentions some diet they're on, and exercises four or five times a week. Yet, they never lose any weight.

The basic assumption is that these people are lying about the frequency of their exercise. They definitely must not be hitting the gym that often.

Well, surprisingly, they do. I work out (lifting weights) at the company gym during lunch time 3 times a week. And there are a few regulars that I see their every time I'm in the gym. They're on the treadmill, stairclimber, or stationary bike for at 30 minutes, and probably closer to 45 minutes.

So what gives?

THEY ARE RUNNING TO SLOW!!! I run on the treadmill for 5 minutes before I lift weights just to get my body warmed up. So I personally know that the highest setting is 10.0 which equates to running a six minute mile. I also know that 4.5 equates to a fast walk. Not an olympic-speed walk, but a fast walk. As in the pace that you would walk through my neighborhood, the San Francisco Tenderloin. (Unless, of course, you were planning to meet with local crack dealer).

Now I see plenty of these wanting-to-lose-weight exercises get on the treadmill and run at the 4.5-6.0 setting. Now a 6.0 setting would equate to a ten-minute mile. When I was in grade school, only the fat kids who dyed their hair black and listened to goth could not run a ten-minute mile.

But this one takes the cake. This athletic feat witnessed a few weeks ago inspired this blog. A lady with much to lose, is on a treadmill. And of course, she just has to show off those love-handles, because she's wearing only a sports bra and short spandex shorts. Apparently, the gym does not have any rules on indecent exposure. A quick glance reveals she is not going very fast, definitely not at the speed walk pace. So of course, I had to find out what exact speed she was going at. IT'S SET AT 2.5!!! I'm pretty sure at this speed I could tie my shoelace, and still have enough time to take a step to avoid falling off of the treadmill. And better yet, at this brisk pace she is successfully holding a book with her two hands and reading. READING!!! I'm not going to outline the factors that go into intense exercise, but I'm pretty sure intense exercise precludes the ability to do such multi-tasking activities such as reading Sue Grafton's "F is for Fat-Ass". I'm pretty sure Carl Lewis wasn't do his taxes and Kobe Bryant wasn't reading his sexual assult charges while doing windsprints.

So please... run faster.